Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
