Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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