I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
