I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
