The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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