u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
