That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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