What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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