Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
