they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
