How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
