Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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