dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
