I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
