My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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