I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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