Umm I'm too high to move.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
