a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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