Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
