I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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