Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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