The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
