You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
