Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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