I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
