the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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