I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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