Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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