I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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