everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
