Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
