I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
