I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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