I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
