Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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