I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
