Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
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You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
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I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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