Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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