I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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