I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
