My sheets look like a crime scene.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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