i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
