i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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