please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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