let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
