my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
