But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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