so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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