It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
