I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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