bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
