Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top