Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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