I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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