walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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