life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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