So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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