I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
