how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
